The Future is Now

Today I thought maybe instead of looking back at a previous top ten list we might look forward to a future top ten list.

Top Ten Future Cactus and Succulents

10. Opuntia deliciosii
Clearly even more delicious than nopales, both the fruit and the pads, will be cultivated in 2011 in Oaxaca.

9. Pachycereus flingii
Tall and handsome column cactus in 2023 will develop new defense mechanism – something to do with spines and the ability to throw them up to 2 km.

8. Carminecereus pillboxeri
In 2056 one Carmine Minsk will create the first completely genetically modified cactus from scratch, in the shape of a round hat.

7. Trichocereus marsensis
In honor of the first new species of cactus discovered on Mars in 2420, the genus Trichocereus is reintroduced to be used for all off-world species.

6. Humalocactus brazilensii
It took until 4236 for the first truly sentient cactus species to wake up and smell the coffee.

5. Cumulocactus shrekii
Who knew there would be no new species of cactus between the 92nd and 192 centuries? Until this one gentle giant of a cactus evolved out of the primordial goop in Idaho in 19,225 (still AD here, folks).

4. Cereus kingwencesalsii
The calendar turned out to have an ending, and it wasn’t 2012! So this cactus was created by the new King to celebrate his ascension at the dawn of the new era. Year 1, KW. And all did celebrate, and all did bow down.

3. Mooncereus spinossissima
As the King was subsequently murdered in his tub the very next day, that era didn’t last long, and the first cactus of the new calendar, same as the very old calendar was introduced by the top scientists at the Space Program on Moon Base Alpha, year 212,555 AD. Spiny, too!

2. Lophophora groganisis
It turned out that when Grogan the Fearsome conquered the Planetary Federation of Fine Little Earths (PIFFLE) in the name of the Girgonosphere, he was unleashing more power onto the Renowned Cactus Planets of Far Binghampton than he could ever have imagined, thus setting off a series of wars in the Farflung Periwinkle Alliance. 2.55 cc.

And the number one cactus of the future is…

1. His Majesty, Sir Cactus of Periwinkle Major
And so it came to pass, as the years went on, that the great and mighty King of the Cacti would conquer all the known universe, and then some. The years were like endless passages of time, wrapped in a light breading and fried in Perulian Olive Oil. The subjects of the cactus king were truly grateful for all that the cactus people had provided for them, including a bit of peyote for all in their morning coffee. Delicious!

And then it came to pass that this too would have to pass, as all things do pass, even when you have conquered all the known universe and then some.  For truly the Euphorbia People had taken over and never more were seen from the Cactus People except sometimes on a cold clear night you could look up in the sky and see the stars aligned just right, when the planets allowed, and the gods did breathe out the fair morning air, there, there I see it! It is His Majesty, Sir Cactus of Periwinkle Major! He has returned! He will save us from the evil empire of the Euphorbia People! At last my dreams have all come true and the righteous King has been restored on his proper Throne.

But it was not to be for the eons had disappeared into the fog of history and the millions of years of cactus reign had come to an end. But the stars did not lie! I saw the king, I did! And he saw me too – he winked at me! Yay!

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February 2024

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